It’s easy to get caught in unhealthy relationship patterns.
They often come out of love and protection. We want to make sure that we are
loved and that others are loved too. However, like most unhealthy patterns,
enabling might be doing more harm than good. This article will explore what
enabling is and what to do if you find yourself enabling the addiction of
someone you love.
Enabling is a pattern of helping a loved one with the things
that he or she should be responsible for, particularly having to do with poor
choices or behavior. For instance, if your husband is an alcoholic and calls
out sick a lot, you might be enabling if you call your husband’s employer to
cover up for him. Or you might be enabling if you give your addicted loved one
money. Or you might enable your friend or family member if you repair something
that he or she broke while high on drugs. In other words, you’re indirectly
participating in the poor choices of your loved one and enabling his or her
behavior.
As mentioned above, enabling is a pattern that comes out of
love and protection. If you believe you are enabling an addiction, don’t be so
hard on yourself. You might first recognize that you are doing it because you
love that person. However, the next step is to learn how to change the way you
relate. In fact, one of the most powerful ways you can help a family
member who is struggling with an addiction is to do just that. You might begin
by learning
about enabling and codependent relationships. This will help you recognize any
unhealthy ways that you may be participating in the relationship. For example,
you might learn that codependent relationships are those in which two
people believe they need each other in order to survive or feel better about
themselves. Codependency can develop out a belief in needing someone else in
order to feel powerful. Enabling a member of your family might be related to a
feeling that you need them in order to feel good about yourself. Learning about
these kinds of dynamics can help you respond differently to someone you love.
In fact, there are many healthy ways to respond to someone
with an addiction without getting caught up in enabling them. For instance, another
aspect of codependency is focusing too heavily on the needs of the other. Those
who tend to fall into codependent relationships tend to believe that their own
happiness is dependent upon making the other person happy. It’s common in
codependency to ignore your own needs in order to please someone else. However,
this can undermine a person’s own sense of power. And when someone does not
believe in their own power to create change in their lives, they won’t take the
steps they need for growth and healing. Enabling only perpetuates a person’s
belief in powerlessness.
If you find that you’re enabling a friend or family member, seek
professional help. Doing so can support both you and the ones you love.
